A Guide to the Perfect Hillbilly Charcuterie Tray

I have been seeing these beautiful snack/charcuterie trays all over Pinterest and YouTube. They were lovely, elegant and looked delicious, but when I thought ‘I want to try that’, my next thought was, ‘no one in this house will eat that but me. Hell, no one in my family would eat that but me.’ But still… I wanted to make one.

I was especially inspired by the one Lily Aldridge did with The Cheese Lady of Nashville. So pretty! So delectable. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNbPZKt6RR0

So would not be eaten in my house. What is a happy homemaker to do? I reinvented it hillbilly style! Redneck if you prefer, but my people are from Kentucky and my husband’s people are from the North Hills in Pittsburgh, PA, so we’re hillbilly/hillbilly adjacent.

Now is not the time to get into the ever so minute differences between hillbillies and rednecks. Maybe some other time. Today we are here to discuss how to make charcuterie trays that your low-c and/or picky eaters will eat. First of all, this is hard to define as hillbillies and rednecks don’t have what you call “charcuterie”. Some of us even pronounce hors d’ouevers exactly the way it is spelled: whores de overs. We have deviled eggs and pimento cheese.

A relative, I won’t say which one, recently brought me a glass of RED WINE WITH ICE IN IT! When I brought it up, the relative said very matter-of-factly that I should have specified. I love them dearly and they are amazing people, but clearly, they are not Dutch cheeses and jalapeno and boysenberry tapenade type people.

The Art of Charcuterie

What exactly do well-made charcuterie trays consist of?  Here are the basic elements:

Meat and cheeses- assortments of mild, medium and bold flavors, different textures of cheeses
Briny companions- such as olives, pickles, etc.
Sweet and Salty companions- fruit, jam, honey, nuts, dried fruit

I was actually drawn to it because of its elevated casual style, its variety of tastes and textures and because I rarely care if my food looks pretty, but bonus points if it is tasty AND pretty. The charcuterie trays I saw on Pinterest and YouTube had me salivating. But what would people actually eat? I decided to include all the elements but not church up the ingredients.

I also saw a picture online titled “hillbilly charcuterie” and it was on a Waffle House plate. I laughed out loud. Other pictures under the hashtag #hillbillycharcuterie showed all the elements but not plated. I thought about both of these methods, but in the end decided on a compromise between the world of pretty, fancy, high-C charcuterie trays and the low-C version snack tray that my family would actually eat.

What I Came Up With

When I first thought of “hillbilly charcuterie”, a Lunchable came to mind. Back in my day, you were shitting in high cotton if you had a Lunchable in your school lunch box. With that in mind, and armed with weekly savers, I decided on my meat and cheeses: nitrate free (for me) pepperoni and turkey cold cuts, beef jerky and cheddar, Colby jack and Babybel cheeses (the kind in the red wrapper).  I bought both olives and gherkins because I like both and they would all get eaten, I bought a small box of water crackers but then mixed them in with other crackers I had on hand, such as Ritz and the kind with the little flecks of pepper in them. I forget what they are called or even the brand name because they had been (sealed) in my pantry for so long. For the sweetness factor, I bought grapes. I accidentally bought the seeded instead of unseeded and also sent some to my daughter’s class so that was fun getting all the seeds out for a room full of two-year-olds.

I ended up having enough to do 2 trays which I did one for the adults and one for the kids. In the spirit of No Straw November, I decided to plate it all on trays I already had. I used a white tray and bowls for the adults and for the kids, I used a slate cheese tray with serving tools which was given to me by a sweet friend as a housewarming gift and my hillbilly ass actually asked her what it was. It is specifically for cheeses and you can write with chalk next to it what type of cheese it is. I felt like the Mom in My Big Fat Greek Wedding when the fiancé’s mother hands her the bundt cake and she puts a flower pot in the middle and brag that she fixed the cake with the hole in it. #HillbillyIngenuity #amirite The kids’ tray was Ritz crackers, pepperoni, cheese, Babybel cheeses, and cut up grapes.

The Results

I am happy to report that the kids’ tray was about half gone when I took the picture, and the adult tray had a big dent, except I suspect I was the only one eating the olives and the old, leftover cracked pepper crackers were barely touched. The Ritz crackers were gone though. (I love you, Ritz!) It is good that we buy them in bulk at Costco. They are about all my daughter will eat.

Looking back, I would’ve added some beer nuts and/or beer cheese or pimento cheese to this spread. I feel that would have rounded out the flavors and textures a bit. I also meant to add a kale leaf for garnish, because when I was a kid, that is all I thought kale was. I didn’t even think it was edible. I thought it was just artificial and the cooks would put it on my plate at Shoney’s, scrape it off when I was done, rinse it, and put it on the next plate. That’s how you knew Shoney’s was a fancy restaurant. I feel like I may have been the hillbilly that got too big for my britches because now I eat the garnish. But I forgot it anyway.

Have any of ya’ll had to improvise, adapt and overcome a holiday entertaining tradition to make it work for your family? If so, comment!