It has been a while since I have posted. To be honest, there isn’t a lot to blog about. I have been reading some books, but I have decided to start a video series about that. I have a lot of ideas, but I don’t really have a lot to put into practice. The haze of sheltering in place has begun to take its toll.
At first, sheltering in place seemed like an introvert’s dream. This was the Introvert Olympics and I had been preparing my whole life for this. But, not having human interaction with anyone except those in my house and maybe one other person was beginning to irk me: ya’ll, I have been tempted to talk to strangers in the grocery store. I haven’t really, except for the perfunctory “hello”, but I have thought about it. I usually proudly let my “stranger danger” flag fly and embrace sweatpants and staying home.
Some of this stranger danger and staying home mentality is a post-trauma reaction. My therapist said that I will likely never feel truly safe outside my home. There may be times I don’t even completely feel safe there. Once you have been violated in any way, the body holds on to it. I don’t remember the exact part of the brain responsible, maybe the amygdala, I haven’t studied psychology in a bit, but once you have had a traumatic or intensely emotional experience, it imprints on that part of your brain like a tattoo. You will never completely be rid of it. It then can create and harbor preconceived notions, images of terror and even promote hypervigilance. All that you can do is learn to live with it and cope. That’s it, really. You can’t unring a bell and you can’t forget trauma.
It is a good sign that I am almost ready to venture out into the likely unwashed, heathen public. Not only will I enjoy my alone time even more after having a day or so out in public, but it means that I am not letting my fears and anxiety get the best of me anymore.
It has been a strange, long journey and it hasn’t always run smoothly, but I believe that I needed it to remember what I am made of, and I am patched together by a motley crew of hillbillies, survivors and fighters. I will be fine.
Stay Strong,
Megan
