Ya’ll,

I get asked a lot what got me through the worst of times during my postpartum struggles or what I learned that could help someone else going through a rough time. For me, there wasn’t just one answer. Obviously, Prozac is worth its weight in gold and counseling worked like a charm also. But not everyone is at that point. Often, we are just overly tired or overly stressed. Or we just need a little more help while their medication levels out or they make a breakthrough in our therapy. Been there! For those who fall in those camps, I cannot recommend self-care rituals enough.

Self-care rituals are not “selfish”, as they may be described by some people from their high horse. It seems sort of trite to say, but as the old adage goes, you can’t pour from an empty pitcher. You know how panicked you get when your car or phone flashes the “check engine light” or “low battery” warnings at you? You should feel that panic even more as your own battery life wears down. 

As spouses and parents or even as students, we feel as though we are everything to everyone. This is exhausting and can’t maintain itself long term. You are the only person who can command your own time just for you.

Prioritize

The first step is taking time for yourself. Schedule time if you have to, damn it! You have to have time for yourself to recharge. Maybe there is one night a week where you aren’t rushed, or there is a show on TV you like to watch. Maybe you wake up earlier than your family one or two mornings a week. Schedule your self-care time then. Maybe you have a flexible lunch break at work. Take it then. Start by scheduling a big chunk of time or smaller chunks of time until you get used to it. Set an alarm or alert on your phone if you need to at first. Then do your self-care ritual whenever the hell you want. If you don’t prioritize it, it won’t happen.

Key Elements

Self-care rituals look different for everyone, but they contain some basic, key elements:

Prayer and/or meditation
Walking and/or stretching
Hot beverages (or a little something stronger if needed, no judgement here)
dim lights or candlelight
bath or shower
aromatherapy*

Aromatherapy is a topic not everyone wants to engage in. That’s fine. You don’t have to, or you don’t even have to do it the textbook way. You can pick candles or air fresheners you like the smell of and go from there. Learning about and engaging in aromatherapy has helped me and others that I know, but if you feel learning about it is just one more chore to add to your already full plate, don’t bother.

The other elements are essential and you need to do them anyway. Everyone needs exercise, but I don’t recommend heavy exercises as a part of your self-care ritual. You need gentle exercises, like stretching and walking, that will require some energy but not so much that you get your cortisol levels up or your adrenaline too high. If you would rather go for a light swim (not how many laps you can swim in 10 minutes), do that. Bonus points if you do any of these exercises outside.

Bathing and Hygiene

Water is important for renewal.

Make your bath or shower time as relaxing as possible. I take showers because our only bathtub is in the kids’ bathroom and by the time I get a chance to bathe usually, they are asleep and I am NOT going to risk waking them.  If I am just washing my body, I will often times turn off the overhead light and shower by candlelight.

After my shower, I do my evening skincare routine. For me, this is very relaxing. It is important that people take care of their skin, but if it isn’t relaxing for you, you don’t have to do it as a part of your routine. Yet you may find however, that if you light some candles and/or play some soft music, and have quality time to yourself, that the routine of skincare can be relaxing and not just another task to complete.

After my shower and skin care routine (or sometimes even during), I enjoy a hot beverage or the occasional glass of wine next to a candle. If I am making the tea after my shower, I will pray or meditate while my tea steeps. Then, I will ignore my phone or computer as much as possible and watch something relatively light on TV or read a book with the same requirements. A lot of times, Brian will watch it with me and we can spend a little time together because we both need that. Yet, sometimes, I just need to be alone. He needs his alone time, too and we can both appreciate that. Then, once I feel satisfied that I can finish recharging with a good night of sleep, I snuff out my candle and go to bed.

Occasionally, I will do an at-home mini facial, face mask or foot soak, etc. to unwind. Obviously, this would be harder to do during my day with kids running around and a dog barking because the birds outside are continuing to stay outside. If I need a break during the day, after I put the kids down for naps or quiet time I will make myself a cup of hot tea and do an activity that I enjoy; reading a book or watching an episode of The Crown in (relative) peace and quiet.

Hot beverages

Hot beverages are so relaxing! The warmth is physically relaxing to the muscles and throat and almost immediately calms me down or at least relaxes any muscle tension that has built up throughout the day. To add even more benefits to this already beneficial practice, I play around with different herbal teas depending on my mood or needs. For example, I use Traditional Medicinal Teas Chamomile and Lavender if I feel like I may need a little extra dose of relaxation or help sleeping. I also enjoy their Spearmint tea. It is really light and refreshing and is good for stomach ailments and clear skin. There are also teas that are good for your immune system or if you are feeling sick, like Echinacea Plus or Throat Coat, there are some that are good for detoxing (maybe after an event where you’ve had a little too much to drink, maybe? Been there!) such as Roasted Dandelion Root or EveryDay Detox in several flavors, and there are even some that are good for menstrual cramps, raspberry leaf, as well as several teas for pregnancy and postpartum needs.

I enjoy educating myself on different teas and playing around with them. Sometimes I drink up to 3 cups a day. I enjoy it, it relaxes me and it is an interesting hobby. But if tea isn’t your thing (it wasn’t mine up until 3 years ago) of course there is hot chocolate or coffee, but I would recommend decaf close to bedtime. I love coffee. I truly, truly do. But with my anxiety and hormone levels where they are, I have to cut way back on caffeine. I would quit, but my ADHD requires some sort of stimulant and I wasn’t comfortable with Adderall, so caffeine seemed like a perfect fit.

There is also wine, beer or what we call “libations” in the South. To each her own. Whatever beverage helps you relax and meet your wellness goals. But ya’ll, all ya’ll need a beverage. Trust me.

Candlelight

There is something about candlelight that sets the mood for relaxation and sleep. Maybe it reminds us of a simpler time before cell phones and Netflix. Maybe the softness of the light lends to a soft atmosphere. Maybe it is because the flames have a somewhat hypnotic affect. Whatever it is, go out and get yourself a couple of candles. Right now, I like LAB candles and the Magnolia Home/ Hearth and Hand line at Target. Both brands are reasonably priced, smell divine, aren’t too strong, are made out of quality wax and come in nice containers that you can repurpose. I repurposed a LAB candle jar into a container for my makeup brushes. Hell, I like a good Bath and Body Works candle too, but sometimes they can be a tad strong. My point is, get yourself a couple of quality candles to burn when you are having your self-care rituals. I love the smell of lavender when I need to relax and I also like woodsy and citrusy fragrances, but honestly am not too picky. I like a good wickless candle too, as long as it provides a gentle glow somehow.

Prayer and Meditation

This is so personal that I almost feel as though I shouldn’t really go there. I will keep it brief.

My counselor recommended that I try body scan meditation. It worked for me. I have also done basic mindfulness meditations and relaxation meditations. These have all worked for me. Taking an extra few minutes a day to pray has helped me also. I don’t always pray set prayers, but sometimes I do. Having set prayers can help with a meditative mindset. Personally, I need guided meditations. I can’t quite settle my mind all on my own. My brain is too chaotic. Thoughts swirl around each other and I get bad cases of thought diarrhea. But that is the point of meditation. To quiet the mind so that you can calm. Sometimes, that is all you need.

Frequency

I won’t say I discourage mani/pedis or spa days, because we all love them, but they are harder to prioritize and fit into the budget so if you only rely on those activities for self-care, you are going to be lacking in that department. You need to be doing self-care as often as possible. Obviously, most of us are busy enough that we can’t do a full-blown ritual every night. You may even have a week that someone or everyone in your household is sick or injured and you can’t find the time to do a ritual at all. It happens. But the goal is that once you begin to prioritize, you can continue to prioritize. It takes somewhere between 21-66 days to form a new habit. If you make the time to do a ritual as often as possible for 2 months’ time, it will likely become a priority for you to take time for yourself.

If you can’t do the full ritual every day, maybe you can do part of it and get as much out of it as possible.

After my husband’s knee surgery, I didn’t have time for a full self-care ritual every night. I gave up the tea for a few days and just focused on my shower time. I always make time for a shower. Even if I have to wait until the kids are in school or asleep or taking a nap, I make time for my shower. This was no exception. I amped up my shower routine. I would stay in there longer and light candles and take my time. I would relax. That was the only time I had to myself for almost 2 weeks, and I prioritized and made it work.

If I did it, you can too. You just have to make your wellbeing a priority, stick to it and find what works for you! My routine may not look like yours and that’s ok, as long as you are taking the time you need to feel relaxed and refreshed to continue or start a new day. You need to be ok, too.

Happy Healing,

Megan